Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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