can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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