Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
