....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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