I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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