so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
