omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
