I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
