i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
