i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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