Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
