We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
