Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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