I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wish you could order shots online.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
