so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
