he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
