So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
