Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
