I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
