i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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