Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I looked at my own cervix.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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