John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
