Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
