i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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