I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
