My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
