Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
