Soap is not a condiment
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
It's Friday. Sex?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
