He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize