I wish I only lived at night.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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