what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
