I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
