Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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