Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
