I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
