i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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