O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
