the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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