I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
