lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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