If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
