my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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