I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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