My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
