I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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