This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
