I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
