So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
