Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
3 2 1 whiskey
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
