i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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